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by Joe Reister © 2017


The sex talk.

No conversation sucks more for parents, children, teachers and students.  It is truly horrible.  The worst.  Yet the talk’s kind of necessary if we want youngsters to understand why all of that throbbing starts in the underpants zones, and at least gives them some idea on what they can do about it. 

After all basic biology guides our lives, bringing us together whether we want it to or not, and providing most of us with something that feels reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy good if done right, and even pretty good if done wrong.  Sure, the entire idea of sex can sound crazy weird to even those with some experience below the belt, and two bodies connecting in icky ways is something most kids and even adults don’t want to talk about.  Luckily, the sex talk can be boiled down to five simple ‘A’s, eliminating like two or three percent of the regular embarrassment, and establishing that sex is normal, fun and all part of the growing up process.  So, let’s get down to it.

First, sex is super common no matter what you hear.  Average if you will, tying it into the first letter of the alphabet.  Almost everybody around the world at least wants to try it, and despite the worries of many an adolescent, nearly everybody ends up doing it.  Ninety-five percent of men find the joy of sex, with 98% of the women joining them according to the ever reliable internet, which seems to be a whole lot about sex.  Men somehow have an average seven partners during their lifetime to women’s four, but you know, maybe gay sex is much more prevalent than guys let on.  Or folks are lying.  Nonetheless, sex is something that’s happening for almost everyone, and that includes with oneself. 

Yes, people enjoy the idea of sex so much with others that they like to practice on themselves to make sure they get it right.  Sometimes a lot.  Strangely masturbation is not more popular than having sex with another person.  It’s got the same numbers for men, no surprise, but women are down ten points in the self-love according to the internet.  This raises some important questions.  Like, do people lie about sex?  Do women have less obvious equipment to work with?  Or do men just have more free time since women are doing most of the childcare?  Who knows?  Who cares?  That’s not what we’re talking about.  What is beyond dispute is that almost everyone’s doing it for themselves and with others.  Which is good because sex is required to keep the human race going, making reproduction like half the point of life.  The other half, of course, being to survive, which is probably just so that we can have more sex.

Which is great because sex is pretty awesome.  It’s certainly glorified around the world and celebrated in every culture.  So much that most people can’t stop hearing about it even if they want to.  It’s probably one of the very few perks many lonely thirteen-years-olds discover in an otherwise universally terrible year, and that’s saying something.  The underpants urges keep us going and going, and are so appealing that almost everybody wants others to join in on the fun.  Most potential partners will probably say no, and everyone should respect that, but eventually one or two or seven or four based on your gender and internet statistics will say yes to the awesomeness.

And that awesomeness goes a long way in life.  It won’t surprise many that men keep doing it as long as they can.  But so do women even after the ‘joys’ of childbirth.  Something that many forget starts with sex.  Through the science of hormones and the beauty of babies, though, women keep sexing it up despite enduring an event that would turn all but the hardiest men celibate.  And that’s in modern times.  Historically, women had a lot more kids, and yet they still kept going back for more.

That’s incredible because sex can be as ridiculously awkward as it is awesome, and we’re not just talking about childbirth.  Few other activities bring in the strangeness of multiple fluids, unusual smells, weird noises, unseemly sights and a raw emotional openness that comes to almost everyone getting it on.  Most obvious is the saliva, spit, sperm and menstrual messes, but the lucky participants also get to experience another person’s body hair, farts, sweat and burps as they connect to, pant, groan and moan the awesomeness over the awkwardness.  They also have to deal with lots of unusual nakedness and an emotional intimacy that comes with trying to satisfy their partner’s needs while taking care of your own, preferably at the same time.  The whole experience is incredibly weird on multiple levels, but fortunately gets less awkward and more awesome with practice.  And most people can’t get enough practice.

Not surprisingly, such an average, awesome and awkward experience inspires all kinds of attitude.  Most folks actually prefer to keep quiet about their sex lives and don’t want to know about others’ private times, but an annoying few can’t seem to shut up about it.  And we’re not talking about creeps and college students here.  No.  Various religious, political and social voices now and throughout history have loudly shared their opinion that sex is everything from the sacred to the profane and should be forbidden or encouraged depending on the flavor of the day.  These folks have revved up or tamped down others’ sexual urges to meet their own agendas, going so far as to reward and punish individuals or the masses who don’t agree with them. 

Mostly this means encouraging an oppressive attitude about sex, stressing abstinence and/or strict reproduction and not much in between, with women bearing the massive brunt despite being the usual objects of desire and the keys to reproduction.  Unfortunately, the nastier stuff also affects almost anyone diverging from the sexual ‘norm,’ be they homosexuals, transsexuals, heterosexuals with a kink or frankly anyone having anything beyond the most chaste sex; which probably explains why people get it on almost entirely in private in the first place.

Attitudes change, though, and the future of sex looks brighter than ever.  The younger, richer generations around the world have pushed beyond the traditional norms with the help of better birth control, improved education and the joys of the internet.  Many youngsters are more accepting or just don’t care what others are doing in the privacy of their own homes, and surprisingly to some, the world hasn’t fallen apart.

Showing that even youngsters can lead us to our fifth ‘A’ or adulthood.  People with a healthy sex talk behind them and developed levels of self-awareness and confidence tend to see the world around them and realize that sex between consenting adults is AOK no matter their preferences, and really nobody else’s business.  The whole ‘do unto others as they would do unto you’ philosophy not only works for underpinning all of the worlds’ major religions, but is also fine in dealing with the sex stuff.  It’s about as simple as that too, although practicing such a straight forward philosophy is obviously a whole lot harder than preaching it.

Still, the sex talk usually pays off for with a better life for everyone involved, no matter how uncomfortable it is when you have the conversation.  And, hey, if you can’t trust some random Joe with a word processor who loves the letter ‘A’, who can you trust?

After all sex isn’t a secret.  Our ancestors have been talking about it since day one, and we aren’t about to stop any time soon, like ever.  We might as well get it right with a little uncomfortable conversation about the 5 ‘A’s. 

It eliminates like two or three percent of the regular embarrassment.

So, let it out. 


All material copyrighted by Joe. Please contact him at joe@joestories.com if you have any comments, queries or questions.
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