Just an infamous, self centered and unaware movie star getting checked into rehab by her excellent personal assistant.

ONE COOL CHICK: THE BECHDEL TEST

By J. M. José Rodriguez © 2024

“I really… really… don’t think it’s necessary,” the young and nearly curvy woman with symmetrical features said under blotchy make up and with blood shot eyes as they sped past the one-mile sign to Rancho Mirage.  “It was like a couple drinks, Jen.”  She turned to the darker, curvier and slightly off centered woman next to her.  That’s all, and it’s not a big de...”

“That.  Is.  Not.  All.  Caitlyn,” Jen said in the driver’s seat, her eyes on the road, and shook her head.  “Again, and I quote, I really… really… do think it’s necessary.”  She wagged a finger at the young woman.  “You took a shot…”

“Which I paid for, like I pay for all the bills,” Caitlyn sat up, turning to face Jen, and wagged a finger back.  “I should be able to have as many drinks as I want, and…”

“I pay the bills, Caitlyn.”  Jen looked right back at her, lowering her finger, but made a face.

“With my checking account.”  Caitlyn kept wagging with her own face.

“Which is running out of money.” Jen grabbed her hand, stopping the wagging, and kept giving her a look.  “Because you’re not working and need to get your act together, which is why you hired me.”

“Maybe that’s the problem.”  Caitlyn turned away from her and looked at the road.

“Excuse me?”  Jen raised her voice.

“The lack of work and you, Jen.”  Caitlyn threw up both hands.  “It…”

“The studios stopped calling you long before we met, Caitlyn,” Jen held up one hand, and quieted the sudden beep on her cell with the other.  “Because you had a little substance abuse and impulse control problem, and we still have the thank you notes from TMZ.  Remember those?”

“I do not.”  Caitlyn gave a big shake of her head.

“I’ll show them to you when we get home.”  Jen turned back to the road in front of them.

“Shut up,” Caitlyn said, slumping back into her seat as they turned off the Rancho Mirage exit. 

“Yeah.  I will if you will,” Jen said, rolling the car to a stop sign and checking her cell.

March 5, 2014

Alejandra Jane:

Reminder.  Dinner with Mom and Dad at 7.  Bring wine, and try to make it for once.

“Great, Alex.  Thanks,” Jen said to her phone, sighing big, and then turned to see Caitlyn texting furiously.  “What are you doing?” 

“I don’t need rehab,” Caitlyn finished her text, putting down the phone, and not looking at her.  “Three drinks in three months is not a crisis, Jen.”

“But ten drinks in two hours is, Caitlyn.”  Jen held up all of her fingers, frowning at the car’s GPS and the ‘detour’ sign on it.  “Your little self-help program last night isn’t working when you’re half naked an hour in and start doing Vodka shots from Vlad’s belly button.”

“We were all living in the moment, Jen.”  Caitlyn smiled big.  “Something you might want to…”

“I was talking to your agent yesterday, Caitlyn, and...”

“Just talking?”  Caitlyn turned, nudging Jen, and gave her a wink.  “Zach’s your type, and it’s been a while.”

“He’s married.” Jen ignored her, checking the GPS again, and turned left.  “And…”

“So, what if he’s married?”  Caitlyn shrugged, smiling right at Jen, and nodded big.  “He’s got a giant di…”

“Don’t, okay?”  Jen eyed Caitlyn when her phone buzzed and a face and the name ‘Nick’ appeared on the screen.  “Crap.”  She showed off her phone, letting out her breath, and turned her focus back to the road.  “I’m not answering that.”

“I thought you were done with him.”  Caitlyn laughed.

“I am,” Jen said, putting away her cell.  “But Nick obviously wants to get his ass kicked.”

“Let me handle this,” Caitlyn said, her face straightening out, and she grabbed the phone.  “You swore you’d never talk to Nick, and I blew off Vlad last night.”

“Is that what that was?”  Jen side eyed her.  “Blowing him off?”

“I didn’t argue when we left, did I?” Caitlyn said, answering the call and hitting speaker.  “Nick, you need to stop calling.”

Jen stayed focused on the road.

“Caitlyn?” Nick said, loudly, and half laughed.  “What a joy to hear your voice.”  He quieted down.  “You know, I just rewatched The Truth this weekend, and you were really good in it.”

“Thanks, Nick,” Caitlyn said, loudly too, while making a face, and rolled her eyes.  “It holds up…”

“It does, Caitlyn.”  Nick said with a quick cough.  “But what’s next?  You’re 23, in the supposed heyday of your career, and you haven’t even done a local commercial in the last year.”

“Hey,” Jen turned, frowning at the phone, and reached for it.

“Wow,” Caitlyn held up a hand to her, taking in a breath, and laughed.  “I haven’t heard that, Nick.  Ever.”  She shook her head and gave an exaggerated eye roll so that Jen could see it.  “That’s really…. really… insightful.

“I do what I can,” Nick said with a deep sigh.  “You know, I’m a giver.”

“Of course, most people aren’t so direct, Nick,” Caitlyn said, quietly, pulling the phone closer and talking directly into it.  “Except Jen.”  She gave her a deep nod.  “She said she’d kick your ass if she ever heard from you again.  Remember that?”

“Yes, twice,” Nick said, taking a breath, and laughed a little more.  “Just before she slammed the door in my face if I remember right.”

“Yet here you are calling again, Nick.”  Caitlyn noted Jen’s continuing frown.  “Do you think Jen changed her mind?”

“I hope so, but I’m guessing ‘no’.”  Nick’s voice got lower.

“She could totally kick your ass too, Nick,” Caitlyn said, winking at Jen, and leaned back in her seat.  “You know it, and yet you’ve called what, ten times?”  She laughed.  “Give it up, hon.”

“This is only the second time in three months, Caitlyn,” Nick said.  “And Jen didn’t take that call either.”

“Well.”  Caitlyn started waving the phone around in the air in front of her with another laugh.  “You can see why since you’re a criminal looking for one last big score, her sister’s a cop and all you wanted to do was get laid.” 

“She didn’t complain.”  Nick chuckled.

“That’s not what she told me.” Caitlyn said and laughed louder.

“Right.”  Nick laughed too.  “Look, just tell her I sent her something, okay?  Nothing fancy, just something I saw that made me think of her, and no, I’m not trying to get back with her.”  He swallowed.  “Okay, Caitlyn?  I get that we’re done.  It’s just a last gesture.  That’s all.  All right?”

“All right.”  Caitlyn sat up straighter and turned to Jen..  “So, you’re not going to call this number again.  Is that what you’re saying?”

“Just have her open the gift, Caitlyn,” Nick said and his voice got louder again  “If your drug addled brain can process that, okay?

“And we’re done,” Caitlyn raised a middle finger to the phone, noticing a big nod from Jen, and hung up before with a big shake of her head.  “What did you see in him?”

Jen turned away from the road, looking back at her, and flashed a grin.  “The sex was actually pretty good.”

“But that not good, right?”  Caitlyn looked her right in the eye and grabbed her hand off the steering wheel.  “You can do better?”

“Well, I can.”  Jen took her hand back and shrugged.  “But I’m not sure about anybody else.”

“Oh kay.”  Caitlyn just stared at her.  “But you need to get a new number, Jen.”  She held up the phone and pointed to it.  “Nick was kind of a dick.”

“He was.”  Jen nodded to her phone.  “But that’s the number your management, agent, publicist and any interested producers have, Caitlyn.”  She turned back to the road and pointed to an approaching street sign.  “It’s kind of your life line right now.”

“So.”  Caitlyn frowned at the street sign, putting down the phone between them, and tapped it with a nod.  “Call them with the change.”

Jen shrugged.  “Most of them aren’t taking our calls right now, Caitlyn.” 

“Doesn’t matter.”  She turned to Jen and shrugged back.  “Screw them.  They know how to reach me if they want to, and you need a new number.”

“Thanks.” Jen smiled.  “That means a lot.”  She pocketed her phone.  “But I can deal with Nick, and we’ll figure something else out okay?”

“No, not really, Jen,” Caitlyn said, noticing the medical building with the fenced in grounds in front of them, and frowned more.  “This is a really… really…”

“You’re doing rehab, Caitlyn,” Jen turned right to her, noticing a police cruiser pull up behind them from out of nowhere, and frowned.  “You really need it.”

“We’ll see,” Caitlyn said and smiled, seeing the cruiser too, and pointed to the sign in front of the building.  “And who’s Betty Ford?”

Jen breathed in and gave her a look.  “She had similar issues, and you’re the one who told me that after your last stint here.”  She noticed a policeman get out of the cruiser and walk in their direction.  “Anything else you want to tell me, Caitlyn?”  She pointed to the cell phone in her lap.  “Like maybe who you texted.” 

“My mom.”  Caitlyn smiled big and nodded bigger.  “She was wondering how my day was?”

“Great.”  Jen frowned.  “Thanks.”  She turned to the policeman tapping on the window and rolled it down.  “Officer?”

“We got a call about a supposed kidnapping, miss,” the policeman said with a frowned too, giving Jen a look, and then recognized Caitlyn behind her.  “Oh.”  He shrugged.  “Okay.”

“Yes, I’m Caitlyn Kelly, and this woman has brought me here against my will,” Caitlyn said, flashing her phone, and undid her seatbelt.  “I texted my mother about it and she called the police.”

“Uh huh.  Yeah.  Right,” the policeman pointed to the Betty Ford Clinic sign in front of the medical building with the fenced in grounds, shaking his head, and then looked at Jen with a deep sigh.  “You have some ID, miss?”

“I do,” Jen said, sighing too, and put on her practiced smile, showing the policeman her driver’s license, her business card and a business card that said Detective. Alexandra Alvarez, LAPD.  “I’m Ms. Kelly’s personal assistant, and I understand how this might look, sir, but Ms. Kelly is in need of some assistance with her substance abuse problem, and…”

“I’m fine, officer,” Caitlyn said, loudly, with a big smile, and leaned forward to show off her loose fitting top.  “Never felt better, actually.”  She gave him a wink.  “Honest.”

“Uh huh.”  The policeman breathed, looking up from Caitlyn’s cleavage to stare at the circles under eyes before checking out Jen’s license and the business cards.  “Right.” 

“That’s the Detective’s direct line, officer,” Jen said, still smiling her practiced smile, and pointed to her sister’s business card.  “She can vouch for me.”

“That’s not necessary, miss,” the policeman said, looking at Caitlyn again and then turning to Jen.  “Ms. Kelly isn’t the first to call us on her way to Betty Ford, Ms. Alvarez.” 

“No, sir.”  Jen nodded big, still smiling, and shared a look with him.  “I imagine not.”

“Please note, Ms. Kelly, that calling in a false kidnapping is a felony,” the policeman said, handing Jen back her license and the two business cards, and looked Caitlyn in the eye.  “I could arrest you and apparently your mother, but instead we’ll just tell the clinic instead.”

Caitlyn’s mouth fell open.

“My apologies, sir.  I’m sure it won’t happen again,” Jen glimpsed Caitlyn’s wide eyes, nodding to the officer, and kept up the practiced smile.  “And thank you for your time.”

“You’re welcome,” the policeman said, flashing his own practiced smile, and started back to the cruiser.  “Have a better day.”

“I’m still not going, Jen,” Caitlyn leaned back in the seat, crossing her arms over her chest and didn’t move.

“Yeah, you are.”  Jen took the keys from ignition, looking past her, and waited.  “And you know you are.”

“I know you’re fired.”  Caitlyn said, looking right through her for a short minute, but then quickly started to squirm in the seat.  “And I’m not paying you severance and you can forget about any references.”

“Fair enough,” Jen said, shrugging, and stepped out of the car, walking around to Caitlyn’s side, and held up her phone.  “But I’m going to call you agent, manager, publicist and all the producers I know and tell them how you got shit faced and naked last night after promising to never drink again, and then refused rehab even though you already agreed to it and even prepaid for a month’s stay?” 

Caitlyn turned, frowning, and with her arms still crossed as Jen kept smiling her practiced smile.  

“We’re going to get you straightened out, Caitlyn, show the world you’ve cleaned up and then get you working again.”  Jen opened the door, pocketing her phone, and held out her hand.  “And I promise I’ll be with you every step of the way.  Okay?  Just like I said I would.”

Caitlyn saw the nurses coming out to meet them and looked into Jen’s eyes. 

“You’re better than this and you know it.” Jen looked right back with a slow nod.  “So, let’s kick some real ass, okay?”

“Okay,” Caitlyn said after a moment, uncoiling herself, and took Jen’s hand.  “You’ll come get me in a month.

“Yeah and visit every couple days too.”  Jen gathered Caitlyn into a hug.  “Just like you helped me with Nick, remember?”

“Right.”  Caitlyn nodded, letting Jen hold her for a minute before wiping her face and going with the nurses.  “Thanks, Jen.”

“You’re welcome, hon,” Jen said and waited in front of the building until Caitlyn made it into the clinic when her phone beeped again.

March 5, 2014

Alejandra Jane:

Dinner?  Yes or no?

Jen smiled, typing, ‘Yes.  On my way, but a little late.  Had work,’ and then started the car again and headed home until tomorrow.

Of course Jen has more adventures. 

Read how Jen finds herself in a cluster when famous movie star, Jimmy Roberts, kills her boss, movie star, Caitlyn ‘Cake’ Kelly, and lands in the crossfire of the famous actor and his P.A./head of security, local criminals and the police, including her older sister, Sergeant Alejandra Jones.  She struggles to stay free and alive while proving her innocence and revealing the truth.

All in One Cool Chick.