Teetering on the edge of romance, self-love and friendship.

THE STRAIGHT BULL

by Joe Reister © 2024

“It’s too much, right?”

Nineteen gift-wrapped boxes and bags covered the entire kitchen table, standing out from the rest of the drab and dingy second hand look of the small and cramped apartment.

“Puck, I said…”

“I heard you,” Puck said, his voice coming from behind a half closed, bedroom door, and he scoffed.  “And yes, Milo, it’s too much.  Of course, it’s too much.  It’s like six months of supplies, including toddler diapers and training pants, and the baby’s not even yo...”

“It’ll all get used.”  Milo tied the last bow of the last present on top of nineteen more.  “And the clerk told me that cloth diapers are great for picking up messes.”

“You’re an idiot.”  Puck stepped out of his bedroom and gave a look.  “You know that…”

“Probably.”  Milo shrugged without looking and turned to the knock on the front door.  “But so what?”

“Whatever.”  Puck walked into the bathroom with a pile of clean clothes and the door not shutting all the way behind him.  “I’m not home.” 

“I wish.”  Milo looked back as the shower started.  “You know it wouldn’t hurt to get out of the house.”  He frowned at the basket of dirty laundry outside of Puck’s bedroom.  “And I bet whoever’s here would agree with me.”

“Not about the presents.”  Puck whisked the shower curtain behind him.  “And you know…”

“I’m not talking about the presents.”  Milo shook his head and opened the front door.  “And try listening, okay?” 

“Okay,” a woman said right in front of him.  “But try not talking to yourself.”

“Grace.”  Milo smiled, swinging the door wide open, and looked past her.  “Who let you into the building?”

“Sharon, I think.”  Grace walked into the apartment, not even looking at him, and cupped her hands in front of her own breasts.  “Busty brunette, kind of quiet, but you’d notice her.”

“Shannon.”  Milo nodded.  “She lives on the top floor and has a thing for me.”

“Whatever.”  Grace gave him a look, chuckling, and noticed her own jean jacket hanging on Puck’s bedroom door handle.  “She thought I lived here.” 

“I can see why.”  Milo followed her look and pulled a beer out of the refrigerator.  “I thought you had a party or something tonight.”

“Something.”  Grace opened her long coat to show off a little black dress, doing a little curtsy, and winked.  “We’re hosting an event tonight.”

“Very nice,” Milo said, giving a nod and pointing up.  “You know a three bedroom opened up on the fifth floor.  We could all save money on rent.”

“Then I wouldn’t get any exercise.”  Grace made a face at the dishes in the sink.  “And…”

“I don’t think you need it.”  Milo glanced at the dress again and stared at her slick curves.

She noticed the look and waved a hand in front of his face.  “You know there’s a reason we weren’t housemates in college.”

“I thought that was because Emily didn’t like me?”  Milo rummaged in a drawer for a bottle opener.  “She…”

“Yeah, that didn’t help.”  Grace looked right at Milo and took him in with half a frown.  “But three years later you still look like you’re late for class.”

“I’m at home.”  Milo peeked at his cargo shorts and flip-flops in a wall length mirror and shrugged.  “It’s where people get to relax.”

“You plan on changing into anything other than sneakers before you go out?”  Grace took the open bottle and noticed a pile of dirty clothes without a laundry basket outside of Milo’s bedroom.

“I was planning on a button down.”  Milo stared at the bottle in her hands and turned to the dirty clothes too.  “I guess.”

“And a baseball cap, right?”  Grace noticed a hat on the broken coatrack by the front door.  “The Montreal one?”

“Funny.”  Milo forced a grin, but nodded.  “You know, I don’t work in fund raising or politics and I’m not trying to impress anyone with my prettiness, okay?  I write code and it’s the weekend.”

“Good thing.”  Grace sighed, seeing the three laptops on the worn coffee table.  “Still…”

“Plus, you look good enough for both of us.”  Milo gave her another look and smiled.  “Seriously.”

“Right.”  Grace took a sip of beer and waved a hand at herself..  “It’s amazing what a couple hundred dollars can do.”

“It is,” Milo said, frowning now at Grace and the beer.  “I hope you find a smile before you get to the party.”

Grace shrugged and took another sip.

Milo’s looked her over with narrowing eyes and reached for the bottle.  “What are you having your period?”

Grace blinked and took a big sip, keeping her eyes right on him.  “Why?”  She chuckled and pointed below her waist.  “You want details?”

“No.”  Milo looked away, but still held out his hand for the beer.  “I just…”

“Shut up then.”  Grace pulled the bottle away from Milo and shook her head.  “I’m not and it’s none of your business anyway.”

“True.”  Milo threw up his hands and looked back at her with a grin.  “But how long have we known each other

“Who cares?”  Grace made a face at him.  “Do I ask you when you poop?”

“I’d tell you.”  Milo shrugged, pointing to the bathroom.  “Like an hour…”

“I don’t want to know.”  Grace shook her head again, noticing the open door and the steam coming into the rest of the apartment.  “And…”

“Right.”  Milo laughed.  “So bathroom stuff stays in the bathroom?”

“Like it always has.”  Grace nodded.  “To everybody and anybody except you.”

“Thanks for reminding me.”  Milo made a face.  “I…”

“I heard the same thing last month.”  Grace pointed to him.  “Remember?”

“Right.  So, you’re short tempered and cranky because you’re going to a $1,000 a plate event with your boyfriend of six months.”  Milo looked right at her.  “And he’s a dick.”

“Three months.”  Grace held up three fingers.  “And Michael looks good in a tux.”

“That doesn’t make him less of a dick.”  Milo threw up his hands again.  “And they’re tailored that way, you know?”

“I’ve heard.”  Grace took in his clothes again.  “I got out of college.”

“Sure.”  Milo clicked his tongue.  “But looking good in a tux isn’t a good enough reason to sleep with someone either.”

“I wouldn’t talk.”  Grace half laughed and nodded to the gifts.  “Don’t you think…”

“That’s not the same thing?”  Milo took in all the presents.  “I…”

“It’s kind of worse.”  Grace took another sip of beer.  “You know?”

“There are other men in Washington.”  Milo turned back to her.  “Like a whole lot, and…”

“Not a lot of normal, good looking, straight ones.”  Grace shrugged to the world beyond the apartment.  “And…”

“This is a gay neighborhood.”  Milo pointed out the window.  “Remember?”

“I don’t hang out in just DuPont.”  Grace pointed beyond.  “So…”

“Tell that to Shannon,” Milo said and reached for the beer again.

“Sure.”  Grace pushed him back, taking yet another sip.  “Because I haven’t invited you to my place a thousand times.”

Milo stared at the bottle.  “It’s a studio, and the bathroom is so close to the kitchen that you can hear what anyone’s doing in there.”

“I thought that didn’t bug you.”  Grace pointed to the open bathroom door.

“It doesn’t.”  Milo heard the shower shut off, sighing, and turned to the bathroom.  “And since last week there’s one more normal, good looking, straight guy out there.”

“Right.”  Grace stared at the bathroom door and her face twisted.  “That’s a little too much of worlds colliding.”

“The best things are worth the risk.”  Milo smiled, pointing to where she was looking.

“Thanks for the cliché.”  Grace turned back to him.

Milo smiled big.  “There’s a reason it’s a cliché.”  

“Thanks for that too,” Grace said, noticing the bursting laundry basket of dirty clothes in front of the first bedroom.  “How is Puck anyway?”

“You mean since Jennifer broke up with him two weeks ago?”  Milo gave her another look.

“What else would I mean?”  Grace looked right back. 

“Considering he said it was mutual, not so hot.”  Milo nodded to Puck’s bedroom.  “He’s spent a lot of time alone this week.”

“Depressed?”  Grace’s face turned down.

“Masturbating, I think.”  Milo nodded more with a big smile.  “Trying to get some tension out.”

Grace shut her eyes.  “Thanks.”

“I can hear you,” Puck said from the bathroom.  “I’m like ten feet…”

“I don’t care,” Milo said, loudly, and eyed the bathroom.  “And you need to get out of the apartment.”

“That’s why I showered and have pants on.”

Milo shook his head and turned back to Grace.

“Masturbating sounds normal.”  Grace shrugged.

“I wouldn’t know,” Milo said, but grinned.  “It’s interesting to hear you say that, though.”

“Shut up,” Grace said and threw a hand gesture at him.

“Save some of that for your date.”  Milo grabbed the beer. 

“I think a little quality time with yourself is expected after losing someone who wants to see you naked.”  Grace stared at the half empty beer.

“I don’t think Jennifer was that willing.”  Milo took a sip, frowning at Grace’s lipstick on the bottle.  “And…”

“She was willing enough.”  Puck came out of the bathroom and smiled at Grace.  “Hey.”

“Hey.”  Grace smiled back, taking in his crisp khakis and tight, blue t-shirt, and turned to Milo.  “That’s how you dress after college.” 

“Whatever,” Milo said.  “And she wasn’t that nice either.”

“Not to you.”  Grace laughed.

“Cute.”  Milo ignored Grace and looked at Puck.

“She wasn’t mean, though.”  Puck took the beer from Milo.  “Thanks.”

Milo frowned at the bottle and looked at Puck.  “So, sex is reason enough to date someone now?”

“It doesn’t hurt.”  Puck looked back and offered the bottle to Grace.  “And Jen and I made it work for a while.”

“Maybe.”  Grace took another sip.  “But she wouldn’t let you be you, and that started on day one, Puck.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”  Puck combed his hair back, looking at her and then out the window and to the rest of the world with a frown.  “I should’ve seen that on day one.”

“So, I guess the sex was good enough,” Milo said.

“Yeah, and I thought things would get better.”  Puck turned back to Milo.

“Even as they got worse?” Grace said.

“Yeah,” Puck said, turning her way, and shrugged.  “Not my best move.”

“We noticed,” Grace said, and Milo nodded.

“What can I say?” Puck said, looking away from both of them.  “I…”

“That you need to stop playing with yourself and get back out there.”  Milo poked him.

“Because you’re not playing with yourself?” Grace said, giving Milo a look.

“Every day in every way,” Milo said with a big smile and looked right back at her.  “I’m shocked you saw through me.”

“Ugh.  Grace closed her eyes.  “I really don’t want to know.”

“I mean, why wouldn’t you, right?”  Milo pointed down with a slight thrust of his hips.  “It’s so much fun and it’s all right there.”

Grace face palmed.

“He’s loud about it too,” Puck said, looking back at both of them, and pointed to the thin wall separating the bedrooms.  “I mean, really…”

“No thanks.”  Grace shared a frown with him.  “I think I’m having a flashback to college.” 

“Sing it loud and sing it proud.”  Milo spun around and did a little dance.  “It’s the hobby that never gets old, doesn’t inconvenience others…”

“It inconveniences me every night.”  Puck sighed.  “Most mornings too.”

“And if everybody did it as much as me the world would be a much better place.”  Milo kept dancing.  “Everybody would be so occupied that we’d have the peace, love and understanding that the baby boomers promised in their youth, and the world would keep calm and carry on.”

Grace shook her head, but smiled.

“People would have less time to get distracted with all the little, stupid things in life,” Milo said, giving them both a look.  “You’d be so happy with all your time alone that you wouldn’t poke your nose into other people’s business.”

“Literally,” Puck said.  “I hope.”

“Yeah.”  Grace kept smiling.  “That might be true.”

“You bet it is.”  Milo nodded big and gave two thumbs’ up.  “Universal masturbation is a win-win and I’m surprised we don’t teach it in the school.”

“I think most students figure it out,” Grace said and drank.

“No more fights, disagreements or arguments.”  Milo raised his hands high with a giant grin and pointed to Puck’s bedroom door.  “Although we might all get lost in our rooms.”

“It’d be worth it.”  Puck rolled his eyes.

“It’d work wonders in Washington,” Grace said.

They both look at her.

“Probably do wonders for your boyfriend too.”  Milo smirked, and Puck nodded.

“It already does.”  Grace looked past them and breathed out.  “Believe me.”

“Ugh.”  Milo’s face froze.  “I did not need to know that.”

“You said we were close.”  Grace laughed.  “Like five minutes ago.”

“Not that close.”  Puck shook his head and raised his hands in surrender.  “Please.”

“Yeah.”  Milo shuddered.  “That’s more than I need to know.”

“I’m glad to see you have limits.”  Grace smiled yet again. 

“They are hard to find.”  Puck nodded.

“That is true,” Milo said.  “But I still think more masturbation is a good idea.”

“I don’t think anyone was disagreeing,” Puck shared a look with him.  “And…”

“Not even you, Grace?” Milo said, and Puck gave her a look too.

“This is like the fourth time I’ve wanted you to shut up.”  She shook her head at Milo.  “So…”

“Third,” Milo said.  “But I just found a simple solution to so many of life’s problems.”

Grace turned right to him.  “Well, you’ve certainly got the mental masturbation thing going.”

“You’re part of this conversation too.”  Milo pointed to her.

“Yes, but…”

“And you smiled.”  Puck raised three fingers.  “Three times.”

“Four.”  Grace stared at them for a moment, smiling, and sighed.  “Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome,” Puck said, looking at her with a glow about him, and nodded.  “Anytime.”

“And now you’re off you’re off to a party with Mr. Wonderful.”  Milo noticed Puck staring at her and stepped halfway in between them..  “How fun.”

“Yes.”  Grace looked at Puck’s glow for a second before turning to Milo and half nodding.  “Michael.”

“Michael?” Puck said.  “Still?”

“DC’s not a great city for women,” Grace said, looking past them and out the window.

“So, you’ve told us many times,” Milo said and pointed to Puck.  “Luckily, it’s a great city for men.”

Grace shook her head and laughed.

“Then how come I can’t find a woman?” Puck said.

“Try spending less time in your room,” Milo said, pointing to the world outside their window.  “And stop hanging out with John Paul at the gay chorus and wherever else you go on Friday nights.”

“He is my brother.”  Puck shrugged.  “And he pays for it.”

“And that’s fixing your masturbation problem how?”  Milo pointed to Puck’s pants.  “I mean…”

“You just said it was a problem solver.”  Puck pointed back.

“And a great hobby.”  Grace gave Puck a nudge.

“Not if you’re trying to find someone to have sex with or get a better boyfriend.”  Milo looked at both of them.

“Who says I need a better boyfriend?” Grace said, looking back.

“Everyone.”  Milo nodded.  “And I remember you saying the same thing about Puck and Jennifer three weeks ago.”

“That is true.”  Grace turned to Puck with half a smile and shrugged.  “Sorry, but that’s what everyone says about their friends’ boyfriends or girlfriends when they can do better.”

“And you certainly can.”  Milo pointed to Grace.  “Just…”

“Michael and I work well together.”  Grace stood up straighter.  “It’s been a good three months.”

“Really?” Puck said with a look.  “You don’t thi…”

“Michael treats you like a dog, Grace, when you’ve got the brains, body and face to get any man you want,” Milo said.  “Like I’ve told you…”

“Shut up.” 

“You can do better, Grace.”  Puck nodded.  “And you know it, or should.”

She turned to Puck, meeting his look. 

“The real question, Grace, is do you want to end up with Michael,” Milo said, shrugging, and stepped back from her.  “Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time when you could be looking for the right man.”

“I don’t know if you’re the one who should be handing out relationship advice there.”  Grace pointed to the tableful of gifts.

“Probably not.”  Milo nodded to Puck.  “But at least I’m not spending all day in my room getting bobo chubby.”

Puck raised a finger.  “I took a nap and it wasn’t all day.”

“Sure,” Milo said, his eyes back on Grace.

“You’d probably benefit the most from spending some time alone,” Grace said, pointing to Milo’s baby presents.  “You know that, right?”

“That’s what my therapist says.”  Milo glanced at the gifts, nodding, and looked again right at Grace.  “But that doesn’t make me wrong about Michael.”

“Right.”  Grace frowned and looked right back at Milo and then Puck.  “I’m so glad you’ve saved the world through masturbation and now can solve all of my problems too.”

“It’s what we do,” Milo said, smiling before catching her expression and his face straightened out.  “Sorry.”

“Uh huh.”  Grace handed Milo the nearly empty beer bottle.  “I’ve got an event to go to, fellas.”

“I thought we were going to get a beer before your party.”  Milo felt the empty bottle.

“We just did.”  Grace nodded big and pointed to the bottle.  “See?”

“What?” Puck said.  “I took a shower.”

“It’s been fun as usual.”  Grace punched Milo hard in the arm. 

“Ow.”

“But only because Puck came out of his room.”  Grace kissed him on the cheek and looked at both of them again, her eyes getting big as she smiled yet again.  “Brunch tomorrow, okay?”  She nodded.  “Emily will be there, despite your shortcomings, so be nice, Milo.”

“Great,” he said, and Puck waved as they both watched the door close behind her.

“Well, that’s progress.”  Milo turned to Puck.

“For who?”

“Seriously?”  Milo kicked off his flip-flops and grabbed his sneakers.  “The two of you, dummy.” 

Puck made a face.  “How do you figure?”

“It’ll come to you.”  Milo headed for the door.  “Let’s get that beer.” 

“Okay.”  Puck noticed all of the gifts spread over the table.  “Can you explain to me why you’re getting all these baby presents again?”  He stared and turned to Milo.  “You’re not even the father.”

“Probably not.”  Milo shook his head, but smiled.

“What?”  Puck’s eyes narrowed. “You’re probably not the father?” 

“No.”  Milo headed out the door.  “I probably can’t explain it.”

“Right.”  Puck shook his head and followed.  “Whatever.”

***

Of course the adventures of Puck, Milo and Grace continue as romance blooms in all forms.

Check out The Straight Dope, a novella of gay sex, straight sex, torrid romance and true love.